The answer machine at a
"Hello, welcome to the
Mental Health Hotline.
If you are:
Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1, repeatedly.
Co-Dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we
can trace your call.
Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the Mother
Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which
number to press.
Manic-Depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will
Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have:
Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a
representative comes on the line.
Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of
birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmothers'
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.
Bi-Polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the
beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
Short-Term Memory Loss, please try your call again later.
Low Self Esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.